“All I wanted to feel was loved. Not to be in love, but to feel loved.”
This entry is from another one of those nights where I should have been doing my homework BUT was distracted by random thoughts roaming through my head. It was a point in my life when I was looking back at all the fucked up relationships I’d been in and realized I was never looking for love, but simply validation. I’m supper glad I figured that out sooner than later. Check out the post below and I’ll give you an update on where I am now at the end:
So I’m supposed to be doing my homework since I have finals tomorrow however while taking a smoke break to relax and clear my head, I ended up filling my head with thoughts and reasons for why I used to settle for all the wrong men back in 2010, and why this year things seem a little different. When I was checking my blog stats for Naybesa.com I saw a few people had been reading a diary entry I did called “When Will My Time Come” [which is now called “I’m Abstinent + Single, And I’m Fine With It”) and I remembered this was a post that really had my mind going everywhere while writing it so I thought I would take a second and read it. In doing so, I realized that at that point in my life, the reason why I was so fed, up and the reason why I kept settling and finding the wrong men wasn’t because my twat stank, or because I just was a hot mess, it was because I was looking for validation and not love. And let’s be real, those are two completely different things!
When you’re looking for validation, you will take anything that comes your way that pretty much just seems good to you at the moment, but you won’t think about the long run, even if that means trying to turn a drug dealer into someone who will get a regular 9-5 job, knowing good and well that’s not going to happen. I dated so many guys from 2008-2010, I can’t even name them all, however I can tell you one thing that kept me linked in with these men and that’s the validation that they all gave me to make me feel like I was still a women. To make me feel as if I was needed…. to make me feel as if I was wanted. All I wanted to feel was loved. Not to be in love, but to feel loved. There’s something about knowing someone needs you, and that you make them feel better when they see you that just makes you say “well even thought he’s not the man I will marry, he’s boosting my confidence a little right now so I think I’ll deal with him until I find something better.”and let’s be real, that’s not healthy for a man, or a women. If anything you’re losing your self-worth and putting it in the hands of someone else because the minute they’re done with you what are you going to do. Not a damn thing but sit in your room all day and feel like you’re going to be alone forever.
I feel that if women can come to the realization that maybe, just MAYBE the reason they aren’t finding the right man isn’t because they’re looking for love, but are truly just looking for someone to tell them, they look good, smell good, or “baby I really just need to be with you right now.” If you can just be honest with yourself, weeding out these crappy options will go a whole lot smoother since you’re not just going for what looks good, but you’re going for that connection, that vibe, that you know this could be the one feeling.
I remember a time when even if I didn’t want to have sex with guys I would do it just because I felt bad that they were mad horny and I felt it was my duty to fix that…. Yea I know it sounds crazy but it is what it is. And now that I think about it, the reason why I felt that way wasn’t because I felt bad, it was because it was a different type of validation that I was looking for. It was a validation of feeling needed at that moment and time. And for some damn reason I thought if I do this for him then maybe he will care a little bit more about me, maybe he will see that I really do like him, and maybe he will want to be around me even more. HUNNIE!!! When i tell you that type of crazy thinking kept me on an emotional rollercoaster you have no clue how messed up in the head that made me from dealing with all these mofos acting as if they have no home training.
It took me a while to realize what was going on because I was looking for validation and not love. I was looking for someone to fill up the part of me that was still hurting from my break up in 2008 with the one and only guy I ever loved. The only thing I did was bring down my own value because I was judging it on whether or not I had a man who wanted to be with me, whether it be physically or mentally. I remember last summer when I was celibate for a good 3-4 months and I was just peachy with it. I was happy that for once I wasn’t giving in. For once I was standing my own ground of me wanting to wait until I found a man who truly wanted to be with me. However, all that happiness went smooth down the drain after one night with a guy that could give two pickles about me wanting to wait for a relationship. I felt just plain dirty! If that wasn’t a wake up call for me I don’t think I know what was. The mire thought of being with a guy that didn’t even care if I didn’t want sex at the moment, and me doing it anyways just to make him happy literally made me sick to my stomach… I might have thrown up once I got home, I can’t remember but I think that I did.
The moral of this post is, if you’re looking for love, make sure that you’re truly looking for love and not just for someone else to validate how amazing you are. Everyone is amazing in their own way and before you go looking for someone else to tell you that, you better know it your damn self so that if it doesn’t work out you wont be asking your self things like, what have I done, and how can I fix this knowing good and well you did all you could. If you know your own worth, ya you might be a little ass hurt for losing this person, however in the end you will know its their loss and not yours. If you don’t even know that your special, why should they??? Someone else shouldn’t have to tell you all the amazing things about you. Someone else shouldn’t have to give you your self-worth. These are things you should already know. That way no one can ever take them away from you. With that being said… are you looking for Love…. or just plain Validation??? Because Janay Naybesa wants love, and can validate her damn self.
At this point in the game I could honestly give so many fucks I might need to borrow a few from friends if you’re horny and I’m not feeling it. I would say I wish I would have been smart enough to not do things like that but when it comes down to it, my break-up in 2008 is the reason I even started blogging so if it never happened I would have never became Janay Naybesa, and you wouldn’t be reading this post.
With that being sad, take every fucked up relationship you had and learn from them, learn something about yourself and simply take it as a life lesson and use it! Use the same frustration you had (or have) and focus it on something positive. Why be pissed off all the time when you can be doing something constructive. I started Naybesa.com as a way for me to keep my mind busy and not dwell on the bad things that happened. Who knew years later I would still be doing it.
Not sure what the next relationship topic will be but hopefully it will be up by Friday.Tweet